I want to get better, but…

I went for a walk last night.
I walked across an empty soccer field.
I stopped.
The sun was setting and the sky was beautiful.

But when I turned around, the bright colors slowly turned darker.
The sky was now covered by dark grey, almost black clouds.

Is it weird, that I was more attracted by the dark side?
Is it weird, that I find it safe?

I know.. I was getting better, but I’m scared. I’m scared to get better.
I’m used to the depression.

But i guess that’s what depression does to you.
It make you push people away and stay in bed instead of going out with friends, make you quirt – You don’t talk anymore – You just feel – Keep it all to yourself.
And it makes you feel safe.

I was standing alone on the soccer field.
I forced myself to turn around. Turn around so I could see all the beautiful colors.
My body was shaking and my mind was going crazy. It was like a war zone.
My mind kept telling me to turn around again. Turn around so I could feel safe.
But I didn’t.

I want to get better, but what if I can’t? I’m scared.
What if the depression is too strong? What if it comes back? Will I still be me, if I get better? Will my family/friends still like me? Am I going to feel alone? Will they leave me?
What if I push them further away? What if they push me away?

// Sarah Katrine

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