I can’t even fake a smile

A lot of people feel depressed when it’s raning.

Try and feel like that everyday.
You wake up, but you don’t want to leave your bed. You stay in bed. Thinking.
Your head is playing games with you. Telling you that you should stay in bed. That no one will miss you. It’s a fight you have to fight every single day, just to get out of your bed.
You aren’t lazy – You just can’t.

And when you finally get out of your bed, you have another fight with yourself.
Should you open the door and go outside?
Your head is telling you no, but you know you have to.
The depression is strong. Sometimes stronger than you.

You lose.
You go back to your bed and you feel nothing but sad and lost.
When did this happen?

You try again, but before you can go to the door you have to get out of your bed.
You win. You get out of bed and outside.
Now you have to take your first step while your head is telling you to go back inside.

You watch people around you with a smile on their face. People walk around with their friends, laughing.
And you can’t even fake a smile to the old lady who always say hello to you everytime she sees you.
You don’t hear anything. All the voices turns into noise.
All you hear is your head saying;

“What are you doing? I told you to stay in your bed! Go home, right now!”
You are so close to crying but you can’t.
Even when you are trying, you just can’t.

Finally. You can see your bed right in front of you and all you want to is lock your door and don’t talk to anyone.
You turn off your phone. Turn off the light. And go back to your bed.

You’re laying in bed overthinking every single thing.
You start asking yourself questions you don’t know the anwser to, but you keep asking yourself.
“When did this happen?”
“What did i do to live like this?”
“What would thing be like, if i wasn’t here?”
“Would they miss me?”

Things might seem impossible sometimes, but I know you can do it.